THE BIRTH OF SANTA

snowdon falls

king kong is out hunting

mynah birds

blizzard strikes

kong shelters in a barn

where merry mary

is giving birth next to

a mare also giving

birth to two colts

the next morning

kong awakens

at new-grange

the barn has gone

child and colts remain

child is called santa

arguments begin

in the village about

who will be foster

father

a decision is made

on several dwarfs

SANTA AND HIS LITTLE WEAPONS

santa aged 9

overhears dwarf nick

speaking to his pals

about the future police

state

santa decides to

design some survival

weapons

kong’s weapon of

brute strength is the only

one capable of withstanding

the santa spasm

age11 santa returns

from America where

he raged for 90 days

still in his battle fury and

everyone afraid

women reveal breasts

perform bum shaking

and twerk

to ease the frothing frenzy

santa catches

glance of a large pair

he stumbles

and quickly townsfolk

wrestle him into a

trash can full of cold

deer piss

which explodes

HOW SANTA GOT HIS CLAWS

at 14 santa

begs to join the boy-scouts

but is refused and runs off

hiding in chimneys

and barns

santa arrives at a

football field

he joins the game

takes the ball to his feet

and nobody can get it

back from him

eventually the other boys

gang up and attack santa

he goes into a red

hulk spasm and

beats them all upside

the head

shortly after

king kong spots santa

from the hill

and invites him to his

solstice barbecue

but kong forgets

after going fuzzy over

a girl called fay

and when santa arrives

at the kong palace

a guard dog is loose and

attacks santa

thinking him a red

faced intruder

santa kills the hound

in self-defence

throwing the dog down

a well

santa makes a vow to take

the dogs place as

guardian of the palace

a druid poet called penny

announces santa

will have a new name

santa claws

SANTA SCRUBS UP PRETTY GOOD

his hair was 

blue at the base

blood-red crimson

in the middle and

a crown of emerald

green

a triple helix

flaying out

shining strands rappelling

the shoulder

78 neat red-blue curls

around his neck and head

covered with one

hundred crimson

threads encrusted with

gems and weird fungus

four dimples in each cheek

yellow green crimson

and blue

seven bright pupils

eye-jewels in each

his feet have seven

toes and each hand

seven fingers

his nails shaped

like a hawks claw

SANTA CLAWS AT DEATH

santa was fed reindeer meat

stolen from reduced food

isle at Tesco by an old crone

tired and on the road

santa dropped his guard and lost

his magical red

spasm power

his reindeer and

his sleigh-driver were killed

outright by police horse

meat poison

santa was badly wounded

and entered the death trip

he tied himself to a rock

covered in lichen

he starts the perilous journey

through the bardo

questioning death

and the beyond

immortality and presents

flash-backs descend on his brow

the well

the dead dog

suddenly a crow lands

on his shoulder and whispers

the word rudolph

in his ear

which kills him with grief

and dispair

li sao

for sorrow

after one brief

reincarnation in a

bottle of sugar

santa came back again

in a cauldron

when a group of

kids started spitting

and singing to the

bubble-full elixir

new santa climbs out

the cauldron

only to be attacked

by more angry dwarves and

brutally cannibalised

his blood was drained

into two separate socks

frozen and put into storage

in the old kitchen next to

a dark wooden barn

as the snowdon falls

–Steve fly agaric 23
Amsterdam

23/12/13