THE BIRTH OF SANTA
snowdon falls
king kong is out hunting
mynah birds
blizzard strikes
kong shelters in a barn
where merry mary
is giving birth next to
a mare also giving
birth to two colts
the next morning
kong awakens
at new-grange
the barn has gone
child and colts remain
child is called santa
arguments begin
in the village about
who will be foster
father
a decision is made
on several dwarfs
SANTA AND HIS LITTLE WEAPONS
santa aged 9
overhears dwarf nick
speaking to his pals
about the future police
state
santa decides to
design some survival
weapons
kong’s weapon of
brute strength is the only
one capable of withstanding
the santa spasm
age11 santa returns
from America where
he raged for 90 days
still in his battle fury and
everyone afraid
women reveal breasts
perform bum shaking
and twerk
to ease the frothing frenzy
santa catches
glance of a large pair
he stumbles
and quickly townsfolk
wrestle him into a
trash can full of cold
deer piss
which explodes
HOW SANTA GOT HIS CLAWS
at 14 santa
begs to join the boy-scouts
but is refused and runs off
hiding in chimneys
and barns
santa arrives at a
football field
he joins the game
takes the ball to his feet
and nobody can get it
back from him
eventually the other boys
gang up and attack santa
he goes into a red
hulk spasm and
beats them all upside
the head
shortly after
king kong spots santa
from the hill
and invites him to his
solstice barbecue
but kong forgets
after going fuzzy over
a girl called fay
and when santa arrives
at the kong palace
a guard dog is loose and
attacks santa
thinking him a red
faced intruder
santa kills the hound
in self-defence
throwing the dog down
a well
santa makes a vow to take
the dogs place as
guardian of the palace
a druid poet called penny
announces santa
will have a new name
santa claws
SANTA SCRUBS UP PRETTY GOOD
his hair was
blue at the base
blood-red crimson
in the middle and
a crown of emerald
green
a triple helix
flaying out
shining strands rappelling
the shoulder
78 neat red-blue curls
around his neck and head
covered with one
hundred crimson
threads encrusted with
gems and weird fungus
four dimples in each cheek
yellow green crimson
and blue
seven bright pupils
eye-jewels in each
his feet have seven
toes and each hand
seven fingers
his nails shaped
like a hawks claw
SANTA CLAWS AT DEATH
santa was fed reindeer meat
stolen from reduced food
isle at Tesco by an old crone
tired and on the road
santa dropped his guard and lost
his magical red
spasm power
his reindeer and
his sleigh-driver were killed
outright by police horse
meat poison
santa was badly wounded
and entered the death trip
he tied himself to a rock
covered in lichen
he starts the perilous journey
through the bardo
questioning death
and the beyond
immortality and presents
flash-backs descend on his brow
the well
the dead dog
suddenly a crow lands
on his shoulder and whispers
the word rudolph
in his ear
which kills him with grief
and dispair
li sao
for sorrow
after one brief
reincarnation in a
bottle of sugar
santa came back again
in a cauldron
when a group of
kids started spitting
and singing to the
bubble-full elixir
new santa climbs out
the cauldron
only to be attacked
by more angry dwarves and
brutally cannibalised
his blood was drained
into two separate socks
frozen and put into storage
in the old kitchen next to
a dark wooden barn
as the snowdon falls
–Steve fly agaric 23
Amsterdam
23/12/13
DEEP SCRATCH 